Loss + Gain

I often walk or ride my bike through the cemetery on my way to campus because it is the only thing that separates my apartment complex from campus. As I was walking vigorously to my class the other day I was looking at all the graves and by one I saw an elegant elderly lady dressed warmly for the brisk weather. Her hair was tucked into a hat and she had a beautiful red lipstick on. In her hand she carried a wreath. I watched her as I walked. She set a wreath down by a grave and stood up as she pulled a handkerchief out of her pocket. Her shoulders sulked as she pressed the handkerchief to her eyes.

I passed her and continued to walk. At the beginning of my walk, I was thinking about the billion things I had to do that day and now the only thing I was thinking of was her. I wondered how long it had been since this person (I assume her husband) had passed. I wondered if she always dressed so beautifully before coming to her loved ones grave. I wondered why she had to be alone. I was so sad as I looked at this lady, who is most likely, a wonderful woman mourn. I was sad that she would be spending Christmas without the person she loved the most.

Then as I continued to think about her as I got closer and closer to campus I started to think of all the things she had gained because she had loved this person. She had gained someone who was her confidant, her partner in crime and her best friend. She and this special someone probably had many Christmases together singing carols and sharing gifts. She probably bore a few wonderful children and now has many grandchildren who enrich her life and look to her as a grandmother. She probably grew old with her best friend. They probably went on adventures, faced trials, celebrated victories and laughed a lot together. I began to understand her loss more. Then I began to feel guilty for ever taking for granted any person in my life who has added joy to it.

My mind has been on this experience for most of the week. I am finishing up at Utah State this semester. I will graduate in May with my best friend, Clark. Our lives will change drastically in the next few months. This month I will say so many goodbyes to people I have come to truly love throughout my education. I know my loss is different than the lady I observed. However, I want to note that some of the goodbyes I say will truly feel like a loss. I will leave people I have spent much of my time with and may not ever see some of them again. I also want to note how this loss is making me realize how much I have gained. I have gained some true friends, some great examples and some lifelong memories that I wouldn't trade for anything. I want to mention just a few of these people who have made my life easier and will make me miss this very hard but rewarding experience of graduate school.

- A: Ever since undergrad I have admired your quiet presence. You do not have to be loud or flamboyant to make yourself known and I wish I was more like that. You were such an amazing partner at CETC and taught me a different way to be as a clinician because I often am a loud and flamboyant person. Your quiet yet very educated and confident presence has helped me learn that I don't need to always say what's on my mind to be heard. I love that about you. 

- J: Besides always looking adorable everytime I see you, you have taught me the power of going through trials. I cannot believe you have faced a whole semester away from your husband and how that has probably affected every aspect of your life but you continue to have a bright countenance and cheery disposition and you push through. You have taught me persistence and for that I am forever thankful.  

- J: I really want to thank you for how you always seemed to know what to say to me when I was stressed out or sad. You made me feel like what I was going through at any point in time was important by listening to me in the materials room and caring about what I had to say and giving advice when needed. I don't think you'll know how your example has really affected my experience.

- A: Man... I will miss your contagious laugh and bubbly personality. You always seem to be able to make any negative situation one that we can laugh at. Thank you.

- A: I love how you fall asleep in class sometimes. Most of all, I love how you love the field of speech-pathology. You are such a positive person. I love that I have never heard a bad word about someone else come out of your mouth. I really admire the person you are. Thanks for showing me how to be better.

-A: Thank you for being a constant example of a person who loves the Savior. When I am around you your love for your husband, family and the Savior radiates. I love that about you. Thanks for being a peaceful place during grad school. I'm happy you served a mission for the LDS church because I bet you changed a lot of lives.

- A: Ever since sign language 2 I have loved the person you are. I look to the example of you and your husband so much in how I want to show love to my husband. You are awesome in so many ways!

- J: I absolutely love your sense of humor. I love that you were a ballerina and I love that you are so girly. Thank you for being a breath of fresh air. I feel like every interaction I have had with you has been a positive one because you are so kind and you look at life and laugh about it. I wish I was more like you.

- A: You are the best partner a girl could ask for. You are hilarious and wonderful and make me want to be a better person whenever I talk to you. Thanks for being so awesome to be around and thanks for being funny it really helped me out.

- K: You are superwoman. Thank you for sharing your son with all of us. I will miss that little guy but mostly I will miss seeing your face when you see him after one of us has tended him all day while you were busy. I will miss seeing you hold and cuddle him and stare at him with the loving look that I hope I will give my children someday. I have seen you grow from I graduate student into a mother and you have done it so gracefully. I hope I can follow your example.

- M: I will miss your laugh. SO MUCH. It is the cutest thing ever. And when you whisper things in the back row like "she speaks?" And it makes my whole day.

- L: I will miss how you were willing to help me with clinic ideas, labs, homework etc. You are really good at helping others.

- S: I love how you care about others and I feel so happy for anyone who gets to be part of your life because of how good and caring you really are.

- K: I really think you're the greatest. I love your energy. You make me feel like a slacker a lot and I hope that I can grow up to be a person that has that much energy and enjoys the beauty of the earth and the strength of her body as much as you do. I love how you love your dogs. I think about how you rescued Luna and think that role fits you. You are a rescuer.

-M: I just cry when I think about saying goodbye to you. I don't really think I can put into words just how much I have learned from you and how happy I am that you are my friend. You have taught me a lot about the kind of person I want to become. I love who YOU are. I love your strength. I love your how genuine you are. I love how you look at life. I cannot wait until we have a connecting breezeway between our houses with horses in the back pasture.

- B: I have never met someone I have clicked with so fast. I know that we annoy each other sometimes but mostly I know that you are one of my best friends and throughout all the hard times we've faced these few years we came out still best friends. I'm so happy you came into my life when you did. Thank you for listening and analyzing and studying and chilling and everything else you did with me. I'm forever thankful that we crossed paths.

So... that lady in the cemetery taught me that the reason why we visit the cemetery isn't because we are sad we have lost someone so special but is because we are so happy we have gained a person in our life who has taught us so much, helped us learn true love, showed us affection and given us a reason to be joyful.