Sorrow

My heart has been hurting lately… hurting because I don’t know how to make sense of tragedy. I probably will never be able to make sense of it. In my human eyes, I cannot understand some of the trials people have to face and some of the decisions people choose to make.

Last Friday, I got a phone call from my Aunt sharing the awful news that an eight-year-old boy in my gran’s community died because of a tragic accident. When she called I immediately thought someone had died in my family. I won’t describe the details of this awful tragedy but I will say that my cousins and aunts and uncles and my grandma and other members of the community in Ashton banded together to save this little boy and he passed away. He was eight-years old and my cousin Hank’s best friend.

My heart breaks for the family who lost this precious eight-year-old boy. I can’t stand thinking about his parents who have to face a closet full of clothes and toys that belonged to their precious son. I cry when I think about the siblings of this little guy that won’t share the laughs and love that I get to experience with my sibling. I hurt when I think of the cousins that won’t find a best friend in him. I simply ache for this family and don’t understand why this had to happen.

Then on Monday as I sat in the materials room on campus preparing for a session my friend and fellow graduate student Katie came in with a somber look on her face and I could tell something was wrong. She told me the news about the Boston Marathon bombings. Immediately, my heart broke. She shared how she knew multiple people running and watching the race that were on her triathlon team at Boston University and then I felt very close to the situation. Someone who I have grown to respect and love was hurting because of the act of a person to create a bomb to hurt other people.

As the reports came in of the deaths that had occurred at the marathon, one of them hit close to home. There was a Boston University graduate student who had died. This could have been our athletic Katie. This graduate student will miss out walking at graduation and celebrating her accomplishment. A family who loves her will miss her desperately. Her journey has been cut short. I do not understand why this had to happen.

So like I said…

My heart hurts.

I know that the families affected will find comfort. I know that they will see their children again. I know that these individuals whose lives got cut short will someday soon feel the joy that they missed out on. I know this because I know we have a Savior and a Heavenly Father who love us and are merciful. Although, I know this it doesn’t help the hurt sometimes. My brother stated so eloquently in a letter sent home that “sorrow is a Christ-like quality”. To be able to feel sorrow for and with others is Christ-like. 

The Mold

I've been told sometimes that I fit the mold. I live in Utah. I got married when I was 19 to a man I knew for a little under a year. I want to be a mom (like really really want to be). I go to church.

I'm just a Utah Mormon Girl.

I've also heard that others think I follow blindly. I never question anything in my church, religion or faith and I just do whatever I'm told whenever I'm told to by church leaders. Well this isn't true.

I hate that anyone would ever judge me in that way. I am not one that cares what people think of me... but this really bothers me. I don't like to be considered part of "a mold" and I never will. I like to be considered a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints and I always will.

No matter how much people want to think it... there is not "a mold" in our church or even in the world. There simply isn't. The only way this could happen is if we were all identical and did the same things and made the same choices and behaved in the same ways. Wow... what a boring world would that be. I am part of a family of four kids. We have all been raised by the same parents, who love us, and taught us the same way. You could "assume" we all came from the same cook mold but when it comes to what we CHOOSE to believe. It is exactly that... it is a choice.

My siblings and I are all different. We have different challenges, different hair-do's, different talents and different testimonies. We have all made different mistakes, handled these mistakes differently and repented differently.  We came from the same parents but we all broke "the mold". We have CHOSEN our path, it wasn't decided for us. We were given knowledge and we choose what to believe and what not to believe. We weren't forced, we were taught.

I am not part of "the mold".

In our church, there is a general conference held every April and October where church leaders and the prophet address the members through talks. They pray and study and fast and pray some more for revelation from our Heavenly Father on what they should say that will: help us be better members of the church, help us be better people in general and most importantly be better servants of God. Many talks inspired me but one gave me utmost clarity about "the mold".

Sister Elaine S. Dalton, the now released president of the young women in our church, gave a talk on being a daughter of our Heavenly Father. This one line has stuck with me and will be something I say to my children.

"She understood who she was, and WHOSE she was."

It is as simple as that. I understand who I am because I know who God is and what he expects of me. I know I am a daughter of God.

I am not part of the Utah Mormon mold... because there isn't one. I don't follow blindly. I have had to question things and find my own answer. I have had to have faith and believe that what I am doing is the right thing. I have had to build my own testimony and I am still working on building my testimony and knowledge every day.

What I am is.. a Member of the Church of Jesus-Christ of Latter Day Saints who lives in Utah currently but is from Clifton, Idaho. I am a graduate student who loves the field of speech-language pathology and the people I get to help. I am the oldest of four. I am a wife to a loving husband who is trying to be the best man he can be and is devoted to our happiness as a couple. I married him quickly because he made me happy and I made him happy and I knew forever together wasn't enough. I am a girl that is striving to be a mother because I can't wait to have children I get to nurture and care for that I helped bring into this world. I can't wait to be a the center of a child's life and make someone feel absolutely loved and confident in who they are every. single. day. I go to church because it helps me become a better person and build my testimony and belief in Jesus Christ, my Savior and the way He has set for me to live with my family forever. I have had trials. I have weaknesses. I am not perfect.

I am Brynne. I know who I am and I know whose I am. I am a daughter of God. I am not part of "the mold." I am trying to be part of His mold.

Joy List

List of things that have made me SUPER happy in the last few days:

1- These people always make me happy. Clark has been the most understanding husband and has consistently made me fall in love with him again and again this past week. My parents continually tell me I'm in their prayers and I know it to be true. Getting letters and emails from JD always makes my day happy. I'm so proud of the kid. Texting Addie Belle is one of my favorite things to do and I don't do it enough. Just thinking about Brigham doing his creepy face and voice makes me happy. I love these people. 

2- I also have the best in-laws. I just had an interview for an externship and after we had the best time eating pizza and watching TV and not thinking about anything but hanging out. They are great. I also have 3 new baby nieces and nephews that are the most darling things in this world. Campbell, Leo and Nora are the cutest. I love hearing about them all and wish I could see them all EVERY.DAY.

3- Friday I felt like all my supervisors liked me. (This is rare.)

4- Eating at Herms Inn with some grad school friends today and then at Tandoori with my honey tonight.

5- Prayer. Scriptures. Church. Anything that helps the spirit reside with me. 

6- My run today. 3 words: Lovely, Happy and Endorphins!

7- Sleep. I finally got a good night of rest. 

8- My clean house and my laundry done. Thank you CLARK. 

I'm sure I could come up with more. This happy list is an effort to help me be more grateful for the life I've been given. Enough complaining. It's time to be happy. 

Being a Big Sis

There is something very incredible about being the oldest in the family. Although I was/am considered the "example" or "trail blazer", I have found that throughout my entire life I have looked to my siblings for example. I know without a doubt they were meant to be my siblings. It wasn't coincidence that JD, Addie and Brigham were mine. 

This weekend we celebrated JD's decision to serve a mission for our church. As he gave his talk, I looked at him and was amazed at the words he spoke and the thoughts that were being articulated. He spoke on the love of Christ and how he wanted to carry on the cause. He has the strongest desire to bring others to the gospel through Christlike love... and that is exactly how Christ intended it to be. It was a tender moment for me to realize that the brother that I learned with, fought with, played with, cried with, laughed with and celebrated with was so grown up. JD has overcome a lot in his life and always came out on top because of his faith, so it didn't surprise me to hear the words he spoke and his strong testimony resounding through the chapel. I was simply amazed. 

I got to watch Addie play basketball the night before JD gave his talk. She is so athletic and strong and healthy. As I watched her play, I was so proud to be her sister/look alike. She is an athlete. During the JV game, a friend on her team split her eyebrow open and the first one to rush to her aid was my little Addie. She walked her friend off the court and I just watched astounded. Addie is one of the most caring and considerate girls I know. 

Brigham was delightful this weekend. I watched him as he played with his younger cousins. They all look to him for friendship and leadership and love. I was eating at JD's dinner after church and three little kids (a lot younger than Brig) came up to me to ask where Brigham was, because they wanted to hang out with him. It amazes me how Brigham is such a good friend at such a young age.

I am so lucky to have the siblings I do. They teach me what is important daily. I am so proud to be their big sis. So as my family embarks on this new stage of life, JD's Mission, it is great to know that through all the trials we may face we have each other.